The ‘Shit List’!

Toilet humour at its best!

The Shit List is from an e-mail I received many, many years ago and thought I would share it for a laugh!

THE GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT: You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT: This shit happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT: Also known as ‘Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit’. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT: No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that’s so enormous you’re afraid to
flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE ‘GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT’ SHIT: The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT: (Also known as the ‘Power Dump’) That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT: That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE CROWD PLEASER: This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE CRACK FLAPPER SHIT: This shit seems to create its own weather system. Your butt cheeks feel like they’re flapping in the wind when this shit comes out.

THE MOOD ENHANCER: This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE ‘ON THE CLOCK’ SHIT: This is any shit that you take while you are punched in at work. Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.

THE ‘BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT’ SHIT: This is any shit that you take in a ‘pay’ bathroom. Thankfully, there aren’t too many of these left. If you’re ever in a Mexican border town, be sure to try one!

THE RITUAL: This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT: A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT: This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE ‘HONEYMOON’S OVER’ SHIT: This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER: A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many a flushing.

THE RANGER: A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT: Now you see it, now you don’t. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL: A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT: This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT: This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN’T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT: Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

SHITZOPHERENIA: Fear of shitting – can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs.. DURACELL SHIT: Also known as a ‘Still Going’ shit.

THE ROCKET SHIT: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT: This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT: The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

THE ‘I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE’ SHIT: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE ‘I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER’ SHIT: When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE ‘I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY’ SHIT: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when the
y hit the water.

THE ‘WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?’ SHIT: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE ‘I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE’ SHIT: Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

THE GREEN SHIT: usually happens after you have consumed too much mountain
dew and candy

Which ‘shit’ do you relate with most? 🙂

Raughing out Roud – Sushisha Madness

Last night I laughed. I laughed hard and true. It was the first time, since learning about Mark’s death and subsequently the deaths of Deon and Rensche, that I have been able to laugh like I did. It felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my subconscious. I was able to breathe again, to purge the stale tainted air from my lungs and psyche. I felt reborn. I felt like myself again.

Yesterday I had arranged to meet with my friend Dale. We were most likely just going to go out for dinner and catch up. However, another friend of mine called, Bernard, and informed me that he was up from Cape Town and would like to visit. As a result, I decided to throw together a quick ‘Get Together’ with various family and friends. Following with my ‘Year of the New’, I am always ready and willing to have a good time!

For the venue I decided we would all meet at ‘Sushisha’, a  Sushi and Shisha bar next to Jimmy’s Killer Prawns in the Key Largo Centre in Boksburg. Consequently, I have been wanting to try out Sushisha for some time and figured that this would be the perfect opportunity. Shisha, for those not in the know, is basically, what we in South Africa would colloquially call, ‘Hubbly Bubbly’ (also known as Hookah). Humorously, we never even had any ‘hubbly’ but we did devour the delectable Sushi that was on offer!

The evenings participants consisted of myself, Dale, David, Bernard, Kirsty, Gideon, Allan and my cousin Terence. Kirsty, in this circumstance, was the incredibly lucky token ‘chick’. Heh heh.

Through the course of the evening I was introduced to the concept of ‘RoR’. I am sure that most people reading this entry are familiar with the short hand ‘LoL’ (Laugh out Loud). Well, ‘RoR’ is the ‘Engrish’ equivalent – “Aroh! Doo yoo wan sum fly lice wit dat?”. Heh heh. As you may have guessed, speaking with an oriental accent became the evenings theme and, subsequently, varying amounts of hilarity ensued. Just thinking about that night has my lips curled into a mischievous grin of pure delight. I would elaborate more on what happened ("’Raughing out Roud! Arro flends who likee cone shape rights and saki glabbing dorra katz"! RoR!), but most of what did occur would most likely fall into the category of ‘you had to be there to get it’. In essence it was truly a magnificent evening, one of many more I hope and wish to have in the future and beyond!