Reluctantly, I have to say it. Patricia Lewis, you have finally won.
After all of these years of tabloid fever pitting South African ‘celebs’ Patricia Lewis and Amore Vitonne against one another, and vice versa, we appear to finally have a winner! Regardless of whether the battle was via hairstyles, fashion, music, events and even children; it is now safe to say, that you, yes you Patricia, can now have the biltong… and eat it too!
Sure enough, I do not think that anyone would have wanted the ‘Joostgate’ scandal to break the way it did. Excluding, of course, the individuals who orchestrated the entire thing. I am also quite certain that even Amore’s aforementioned tabloid enemy, the biltong loving nemesis Patricia Lewis, could not have hoped or planned for a better is unhappy with the sordid outcome.
So what happened and what exactly is ‘Joostgate’?
‘Joostgate’ is the term coined by South Africa’s best selling tabloid magazine, Heat, to describe the scandal surrounding former South African Springbok, Joost Van Der Westhuizen. Put simply, wholesome family man and rugby star Joost was caught schnarfing cocaine off of a prostitute’s body, while she deep throated him, before banging her silly. At least he used a condom. Kudos to Joost for sending out a message of pro-contraception and for protecting Amore from STI’s (Sexually Transmitted Infections). Shame on Joost for getting caught promoting drug use, prostitution and for, allegedly, destroying the sanctity of marriage for young impressionable South Africans… *rolls eyes*. Naturally Joost denied it was him in the video, citing, among other ludicrous facts, that his penis is smaller than the one on the guy in the video. Really Joost? Was that honestly your best response? Shame.
Heat first broke the news of ‘Joostgate’ on 16th February 2009 – check out the excerpt below. Yeah I know, I am a little late to the party, but better late than never, right? For a full and detailed timeline of events that led to ‘Joostgate’, courtesy of Heat, click here or on any instance of the word ‘Joostgate’.
16/02/09 at 09:00
You’ve seen the headlines and read the denials… and now heat will exclusively bring you the sex and drugs videotape of Joost van der Westhuizen and the stripper.
The former Springbok captain was secretly taped in a bare-looking room as he romped with the mystery blonde, snorted a white substance and talked about using drugs with her. The video was given to heat exclusively, and the story is covered in detail in this week’s heat. (Heat Online, 2009)
To add even more fuel to the fire, Heat did in fact release the video to the public. Please bare in mind that the video clips are not for sensitive viewers, not safe for work [NSFW] and are suitable for over 18’s only. You choose to view the content at your own peril discretion. You can find the series of video clips here. Do not bother with the first three clips. All the ‘good’ stuff happens from the fourth clip onwards.
As if Heat leaking the video and bringing Joost’s debauches acts to hungry gossipmongers was not enough; the ever faithful and news savvy Nando’s marketing flock jumped on the opportunity to add some additional flavour to the already scorching scandal. Check out these witty yet rather crude advertisements! Love it!
Although I do feel for Joost and Amore, especially for their children, the fact is… they are ‘celebrities’. Consequently, they both know that their lives, both professional and personal, would be under intense media scrutiny. Furthermore, there are always people trying to make a quick buck out of other people, especially those who are always in the spotlight. Granted this whole scenario could have been handled quietly, but such is human nature. Remember, money talks. Thus, Joost is really the one to blame here. If he just kept his dick in his pants or in parts of Amore, then this would not have happened. Also, why lie? Perhaps he was ill advised with the old adage “Deny. Deny. Deny”! We all know how well that worked for Clinton. If Joost had just cum come clean, I am quite certain that he would have been painted as the victim rather than the culprit. After all, honesty is the best policy! Oh well, you live, you learn, or in this case, you live and get painted as a coke snorting, prostitute ravaging, dream destroying, adulterer. Let us just hope that they do not decide to turn ‘Joostgate’ into a movie. A porno, perhaps?! Now there’s an idea!
Breaking News (01 November 2009) via the Heat Twitter: Joost, the man, the legend the adulterer, finally confesses: “It is me in the sex video and I’m very, very sorry that I lied. Please forgive me” (Joost van der Westhuizen, 2009). Seriously? NOW he cums comes clean? Too little, too late. I am sure that those who care, would have forgiven him if he was honest from the start. Now, however, fans realise that even his word means nothing. Unsurprisingly, Joost claims that he does not expect forgiveness from his wife since he, allegedly, cannot yet forgive himself. As a result, “things are not 100% with Amor yet”, like… duh, and Joost further confesses that he did, in fact, snort the cocaine off of the lovely prostitutes bosom, amongst other nooks and crannies. Consequently Joost and SuperSport have “mutually” ended their working relationship. A nice way of sugar coating the fact that they fired his Lilly white ass. Like I said before, Joost should have just been honest from the start. He would have then been painted as something other than a drug using, whore defiling, icon thrashing, lying philanderer. Once again, you live, you learn!
Until the next time “Milieunairs”!