‘Frag’ me, ‘frag’… me again and again!

Like most men, I can be said to partially fall into the stereotype of usually being able to thoroughly enjoy anything with a lot of action, sex, nudity, blood and gore. Preferably with all of the above. So, it stands to reason, and as far as stereotypes go, that I would enjoy a good spot of frantic online gaming mayhem, with a few friends, in a game such as Call of Duty: World at War. Without a doubt, online game playing is a lot of unadulterated fun. Assuming of course your Internet connection is up to ‘speed’.

Nothing is worse than having lag within an online game. I would imagine the experience being very similar to someone who has a premature ejaculator for a partner. Just when you think you are about to score, all ready and willing, the fun is over because the other party ended up ‘jizzing’ in your face, before you could even get your skirt up, and all that is left for you to do is to clean up the mess. No matter what you do within the online portion of the game, the opposing team always has the edge over you, always one step a head. This is not because you are not any good, but simply because your internet connection happens to be slower than a 90 year old geriatric with a walking aid crossing the street during peak hour traffic (Oh how you have to love the northern suburbs).

Unsurprisingly, this ‘phenomenon’ is not exclusive to myself. Often during an online game, I will get an ear full of David and Warren graciously dropping the ‘f-bomb, among other obscenities, because of this particular hindrance. Not much is more infuriating than knowing, with complete certainty, that you have beaten the enemy, only to have them take you out because your actions have yet to be relayed, due to lag, to the oppositions system. Argh… Just thinking about it is enough to raise my blood pressure. Furthermore, there are times when it is almost impossible to join an online match. You most likely have a better chance of getting a sexually transmitted disease through diffusion than being able to play online.

All of our lag issues stem from our broadband provider, of course. In sunny South Africa we are somewhat limited when it comes to broadband Internet access. Our only real option is that of the monopolistic Helkom Telksum Telkom’s ‘DO’ broadband, which has a maximum speed of 4 Mbps and comes bundled with a pathetic four gigabyte cap. According to Telkom this is in conjunction with international standards *cough* and should allow users to ‘DO’, not ‘do’ but “DO", gaming, music and movies (check the advertisement below, so you too can ‘DO’ the Internet *rolls eyes and throws up slightly at the back of throat*). Puh-leez! If anything, it is more like users will ‘DO’ nothing, downtime, lag and inconsistency.


Telkom’s DO Broadband Advertisement

Telkom are, allegedly, in the process of upgrading the network to cater for the 2010 World Cup. Whatever! This is Africa. Already the fabled Gautrain has been pushed back to 2012 and the current abhorrent ‘road works’ to 2011. Yay… fun times ahead *sigh*!

Until the next time Milieu Pals.

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